In Prudence Makau’s debut novel, “My So-Called Friend,” she highlights the realities of friendships or “so-called” friendships. The protagonist of the 2023 novel, Thlalefo encounters the two-faced mean girl, Boitumelo, who stays friendly with her despite betraying her by dating the boy Thlalefo has a crush on. We all go through stages in life when we strike up friendships, but how can we judge if a friend is a true friend or not?
We are not all the best judges of character and a friendly face or a comforting smile may immediately win us over. For this reason alone, we suggest you assess your friends to see who you can categorize as a friend and whom you rather not trust with your life.
Look out for the following warning flags before you share too much with someone who cannot be classified as a true friend.
- You feel drained after spending time with this friend: The best way to distinguish between a real friend and a “so-called” friend is by assessing how you feel after spending time with this friend. If you feel drained after spending time with a particular friend, the friend may not be the right one for you. If your friend expects you to listen to them all the time, it can be quite a draining friendship.
- You seem to lose confidence in your friend’s presence: If your friend is overly critical about everything from your hair to your clothes, this friend may not be a keeper. You need to be around friends who make you feel more confident and not friends who make you feel self-conscious and less confident. If you are asked to change to fit into the mould that your friend considers acceptable, you may need to ditch this friend immediately.
- Your secrets seem to be surfacing: If you notice that your thoughts, stories, and details seem to be the latest gossip, you may need to first reconsider how much you tell this friend. Make sure that you only share too much and all of your secrets with someone that you can wholeheartedly trust.
- You feel too much unnecessary pressure: Anytime you feel any kind of pressure when you are with your friend, is a loaded trigger. Whether you feel pressure to fit in or try something you are opposed to, this pressure is not a good sign. Say goodbye to a friend who feels the need to pressure you to do something that is beyond your limits.
- Your boundaries are not being respected: With a friend who doesn’t respect boundaries, your friendship will never last. Everyone has boundaries and limits and these boundaries ought to be respected. From a psychotherapist’s point of view, a lack of respect for boundaries between friends has seriously negative consequences that may scar you for life.
- You constantly worry about betrayal or feel betrayed: Like the antagonist, Boitumelo, a friend who betrays your trust, or you in anyway is not the right type of friend to keep. Even the slightest betrayal is a warning sign to break the friendship at once. Trust is of utmost importance in any relationship and you cannot feel like you always have to watch your back.
- You are always taking the blame when you are hurt: While even the most genuine friend may hurt you from time to time, the wrong type of friend won’t acknowledge that they caused the hurt. In fact, an unsafe friend may even blame you for the hurt you feel. A friend who never acknowledges that they have hurt you will continue to hurt you without feeling anything.
- You are only called upon when you are needed: If you have a friend who wants you around only when he or she needs you for something, but never when you call is not the right kind of friend. A true friend is willing to drop everything (within reason) when you call. The right type of friend is with you through thick and thin.
- You gain nothing from the friendship: A friend who seems to expect you to settle the bill all the time seems like one who is seriously gaining not only emotionally but financially from you as well. You also need to gain from a friendship. You need to feel fulfilled after meeting with your friend and you need to be with the kind of person who considers both of your budgets and settles for dates that are affordable for you both. It’s good to have a friend who is willing to split the bill with you. A true friend respects you for who you are and not what it is that you can afford.
To find out how to navigate through a relationship with a “so-called” friend, you may need to read the book, My So-Called Friend. However, the minute you start to see some warning signs, consider saying goodbye to your “so-called” friend.